Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while, but what motivated me today was reading my 19 year-old niece's first blog ever! Not only was I so proud of the baby who I helped raise, but to see the talent which is rising from her, making me glow of happiness and contentment! Thank you Banicia...for encouraging me to blog..blog..blog;)

So, what kept me away..lots of stuff...but primarily my own inner growth....which I have finally learned to acknowledge. Who am I? A question which has been on the backside of my mind, changing gears from the conscious and subconscious sides, just seeking acknowledgment. And acknowledged I have...finally! We all grow at our own pace, in our own ways, sizes, and shapes; yet the inner growth comes only once its acknowledged. I have finally learned to be my own judge, to live for myself, and to not expect anything from anyone (this was the hardest growth factor!). Although the last point is the stumbler at times, I make sure to listen to my subconscious at some time during the day to analyse what all should I not repeat or practice.

Yet, my biggest area of growth comes from expectations. I learned to not expect anything from anyone (especially Family) at quite a late age in life, however we all grow at our own pace and with my growth came this acknowledgement. Lifestyles and people are not what they use to be 25 years ago (Man I'm old!), whether its the size of the family reducing, rise in education and salaries, or just adapting the  western world and culture' in all ways is what today's Indian city culture and families are all about. Sad but true...and something which will only be valued once it's gone.

Glass of Life

The popular saying guides one to "Look at the glass of life as half full".
However, my reply goes like this:

"I put my glass down quite a while back, as my quench for thirst, and my desire and greed for liquids left me content. So, I will survive with what is already inside me and let life and destiny take their course, for destiny also works wonders even for those who put the glass down."

"And once I run dry, life will have completed its course in its own manner. For life is what you make of it, however most forget to live it in the custom of building it for tomorrow (or filling the glass). Contentment comes from inside, and once achieved nothing from the materialistic and/or social world can disturb it or even aggravate it; so for those wishing to fill their glasses, try doing so with inner growth and peace, rather than social and materialistic gains."

Life is what you make of it....live it for today.

Relationships galore

What come in all sizes, shapes, and level of importance and have aided human nature since the beginning of time are also what one usually takes for granted quite easily: Relationships. From the bond between Adam and Eve, to the traditional family, to the live-in relationship, to casual flings; relationships are an important part of one's daily life and play a vital role in shaping one's nature and/or personality; even on the subconscious level. However, as one ages the importance and value of one's relationships also seem to adapt accordingly.

As seen throughout time and of course one's own experience, key relationships which play a vital role in one's life (in most cases) are that of a family. From the Mother who gave you birth, to the Father who helped raise you; Siblings you shared rooms with; Grandparents you heard stories from; Aunts and Uncles and Cousins you celebrated holidays with; the relationships between and with family members have brought me to where I am today, and recognizing their key portrayal is just the beginning.With age, learning the essence of relationships is something to seek as it brings peace in life.

Seizure Free

Suffering from Partial Seizures from childhood isn't something one boasts about or even easily expresses. However, counting my blessings and having finally reached the road to recovery, I share my experience and strength of becoming an Epilepsy survivor. I share the knowledge and provide hope to those who may connect with these thoughts....

Celebrating my first seizure free B-day post surgery!

What may come as a surprise to most of my friends, acquaintances, and co-workers, and even loved ones, is actually a time of celebration for me and my family; celebrating my one year anniversary of being seizure-free post my left temporal lobe surgery on Sept 10, 2010.

I had been suffering from simple-partial seizures from childhood, however I was never taken to a Doctor for them as they are hard to detect and childhood wasn't so easy. Growing up, while "having an episode" (which at that time even I wasn't aware that it was a seizure), in public I would just keep quite and smile and not let anyone around me become aware that something was abnormal. Yet, on the inside I would pray and get myself cornered as I felt an aura around me, and soon as it was over, I would breath deeply and try to gain my energy back. And with age, the episodes just increased along with the recovering period. My seizure occurrence varied from one a week to two-three a day; nothing was normal and my only question was to God: "What bad Karma did I do today for my 'bad feeling' to come?" And there were days when I would have several seizures when I hadn't done any 'bad Karma'!

However, just as my belief in God never left me, the answer to my 'bad feelings' also came through an unexpected source. At the age of 22, while writing for The Appeal-Democrat newspaper in Marysville, California, I was asked to cover a conference on epilepsy in honor of Purple Day in the year 2002. While covering the event and reading the brochures, I was taken aback as I read through the symptoms of Epilepsy and the various types of seizures which take place, affecting anyone at any age, and its number one cause still unknown.

After submitting the article, I came home that day with the collected pamphlets and told my Mom and elder Sister that I believed I was suffering from Epilepsy! It wasn't welcoming news for them and they told me that I was just 'over reacting'; although my Mom was more open to gain knowledge on the topic. However, nothing else took place and life went on as normal as ever, along with my seizures. Six months later I went to India for a family marriage, during which, upon my Mom's suggestions, I got an MRI done to see if my fear of seizures is true. My MRI showed up with a scar on the left side of the temporal lobe. And so began my battle with Epilepsy!

From getting started on some heavy dosage of medicine during that trip, which kept me drowsy most of the day; to seeing a Neurologist in Marysville after returning home, who was only convinced 99.9% with me having epilepsy; the battle began.

My journey began with first anger, then questions, and then finally acceptance of my seizures and learning more about epilepsy. I started with Lamictal and took it quite casually while undergoing bi-weekly EEG's and even an overnight EEG. What came as a lesson to me for not taking my medicine seriously was my first Grand Mal seizure in 2005. I was in India once again and got on a substitute medicine for Lamictal, which I had run out of during my extended trip.

At that time I was 25 years old and had my Mom sleeping next to me when the Grand Mal took place. It was more terrifying for her than me, as she can still describe it in detail. As a result, I came back to California in October 2005 and had been switched over to Depakote, which I took properly, but still had partial seizures. Then came my second Grand Mal on my birthday on November 18, 2005 at my Uncle's house, while visiting my cousin Sonia. Once again in my sleep I had my GM and woke up to Ambulance Technicians asking me my name and age...to which I gave the wrong answers! And dearest Sonia can describe in great detail this episode even today, which is blank to me, except for my wet pants;)

Soon after, my family became more serious and everyone got involved in making sure I receive proper care and medicine for my epilepsy. I found a great Neurologist who put me on Keppra and Topamax which controlled my seizures dramatically and brought them down to just one-three a month, depending on my stress! So, I moved to India in November 2007 with my prescription and an 'Ok' from my Neurologist to continue living my life normally. However, the seizures continued and their intensity grew with time. They lasted longer, once over, my speech would be blurred for the first 30 seconds and I became more conscious of them. Yet, God had yet to shine light on me:)

In 2009 I met a great person, who I give credit to this day as a sender from God to show me a new way of living...seizure free. Although, I met this person with different intentions and told him about my epilepsy and medicines from the day we met; he opened me up to the possibility of surgery to become seizure free. At first, I wasn't open to the idea as even Neurologists in US didn't encourage it and always recommended medicine. However, after four years of consistent medicine and not much sign of improvement, I gave my friend the challenge of finding me an "awesome" Neurologist in India; which he did nonetheless.

Thanks to his effort, I had the privilege of meeting Dr. Manjari Tripathi of AIIMS, who understood my case right away and suggested surgery as the best option due to my suffering from childhood and having tried most of the medicine. However, I was warned that the left temporal lobe is where speech and short term memory functions are in our brain, so "expect some side affects". To which I replied, "Oh, now I get it, why I forget so easily and sometimes slur"! Soon after our first meeting, I checked into the hospital, had the required tests done, and then came the pre-surgery talk with the amazing surgeon Dr. P Sarat Chandra, who had operated over 600 cases of epilepsy surgeries and had studied at UCLA. During The Talk, my Mom began weeping, while I smiled, as it hadn't hit home just yet that I had taken a life changing decision. Half my head was going to be shaved, cut open, a bit of damaged nerve pea-size taken out and then my head sewn back up...while making sure they don't touch any other nerves nearby:)

And as I write this Blog today, I am happy and thankful to Mom, Dr. Tripathi, Dr. Chandra (and the great team at AIIMS), my family in US and India, Friends and all my well wishers for my speedy recovery and being seizure free since my surgery a year ago today!!!

I realize each day that I was the lucky one from the very first day to only be suffering from Simple Partial Epilepsy; that there are millions out there who suffer it worse than I did; however I wish and pray for everyone as I know and preach that knowledge makes all the difference. Learn and teach others about Epilepsy, share your and/or your loved one's experiences, make others aware that seizures can be controlled, and for some even cured. One can live a normal life....I always have even before I knew I had Epilepsy, during, and now after. Knowledge is Power...one that continues to Grow, even more so as its Shared:)